


The road to recovery is never easy.

by youcantbeseriouswiththisshit



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, F/M, M/M, PTSD, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Recovery
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-29
Updated: 2016-04-12
Packaged: 2018-05-23 22:59:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6133093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youcantbeseriouswiththisshit/pseuds/youcantbeseriouswiththisshit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He didn’t know how he got in this position. He couldn’t remember. All he could remember was that he was hiding and then suddenly he was stuck. His arm was stuck and he couldn’t get out. He was so weak. He didn’t know how to take care of himself. After seventy years of getting looked after he couldn’t remember how to do it for himself. He had been fine, up until a few weeks ago. He felt himself getting weaker each day, and he didn’t know what to do about it. He ate, sometimes. He drank water whenever he could. He didn’t sleep very often. He couldn’t, not with the nightmares haunting him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The first steps

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fan-fic in this fandom! I hope you like it. 
> 
>  
> 
> I'm sorry for any mistakes, English isn't my first language.

It’s been a long time since he was The Winter Soldier. And he is lucky that he survived everything that has been thrown his way and everything he has had to deal with. He is lucky that there are people around him that would do everything in their power to help him deal with everything and give him a house. Even though it is not a home. He is not sure he will ever find a home.

  
He is grateful for everything he has now. He has Steve, who doesn’t look at him like he is a lost puppy who needs saving anymore. At least not all the time. Steve, who is his best friend and brother in war and beyond. Steve, who helped him when he was so lost he didn’t even know he was a human being and not a weapon. Steve, who occasionally takes him to an old bar in Brooklyn when he has had a rough day.

  
He has Natalia, whom he knows from a lifetime ago, he remembers now. He had been wiped from any memory of her, but he has them back now. He hopes she will remember too one day. He hasn’t told her everything from then. She has some memories from that time. Some missions and some things she learned from him, but not how long ago that was. She doesn’t know that this all happened in the 1950’s. She thinks she is barely thirty, which he knows she is not. But he won’t tell her. Maybe she’ll never know.

  
He has Tony, who has a thing for shiny new stuff. Tony fixed his arm when he was brought in. He couldn’t keep his eyes off it and kept mumbling in technical terms about it. Even when he was thrown across the room because he came too close, despite the several warnings Steve had given him, he never gave up on his arm. It functions better now. Tony still tries to convince everyone that he can build a better arm. He is just not ready for that yet. Maybe someday. When he can look Tony in the eye and not feel overwhelmed with guilt at what he did.

  
He also has Bruce, even though he doesn’t see him very often. Dr. Banner has this eerie calm over him. He took a long time trusting Dr. Banner because of this. He knows now that there is nothing to fear if you don’t rile him up. He doesn’t know where Bruce is when he is not at the tower. Maybe letting off some steam in a desert somewhere or maybe helping some people who need it badly.

  
Then there is also Clint. Clint is a trained spy, he knows by the way Clint carries himself. He still doesn’t trust Clint very much. He hides often, in spots which are high up. Tony always makes bird jokes at Clint. Clint doesn’t like them very much, but has learned to ‘deal with it’ he said. He keeps a distance from Clint most times, to observe his behavior and to determine if he can be trusted.

  
He has more people who care about him then he has had for a long time. Back before the war it was just him, his parents and Steve. He had an occasional dame but that never lasted long. They never quite fit. During the war it was really just him, and then eventually Steve came. He was so shocked when he first saw Steve, when Steve rescued him from that HYDRA base. He had left Steve save at home, and then the stupid little punk goes and gets himself transformed into a super soldier.  
After he fell people were just interested in the Winter Soldier and his capabilities. He was buried underneath trauma, training and brain wipes. Sure, he was the Soldier, but he was never conscious. He just was. Not a person, but a weapon. No thoughts but the mission and the target. And when the missions were finished he was wiped and put back in cryofreeze. And that process repeated itself for seventy years.

  
But then they made a mistake. They let him see a familiar face. They let him out of cryo for longer then he normally was and they didn’t wipe him until he started to remember. And still then, he saw a familiar face. He saw the face of a man that should have been in his nineties, or dead. They gave his memory the opportunity to be triggered and to remember. For the first time in decades, he didn’t just think about the mission and the target. For the first time in decades, he could think for himself. And that scared him more than anything.

  
So he ran.

 

 

  
He didn’t know what was happening to him. For all he knew he had been a weapon for all his life. He never was a human being. Or so he thought.

  
He had fled to Europe. He had left the states as soon as he could, after he had visited the Smithsonian. He wasn’t sure it had been a good decision to go there. It only made him more confused and even angrier then he already was. He didn’t know who this ‘Bucky’ person was that his target kept calling him, but he definitely wasn’t the person who had a memorial in the Smithsonian. He definitely wasn’t James Buchanan Barnes, Howling Commando and best friend of ‘Captain America’.

  
What he did know, was that he didn’t like The Winter Soldier. He didn’t like the weapon he was created into by HYDRA. What he did know was that The Winter Soldier was going to pay a visit to every HYDRA facility he knew of. What he did know was that he was going to make them pay for what they did. He may not be James Buchanan ‘Bucky’ Barnes, but he had been once. And HYDRA had taken that away from him. HYDRA had ripped him from the world and taken away his chance of living a normal life. He knew he sure as hell wasn’t going to have a normal life now. Not with the things he’d done.

  
It wasn’t hard, taking down HYDRA. They had trained him well. They never noticed he was there until it was too late. Even when the facilities were on high alert he never faced a problem taking them down. What made it hard, was that he also had to keep an eye on his followers. ‘Captain America’ and ‘Falcon’. He had done a bit of research on them both. He hadn’t found much on Falcon, but he had found way too much on Captain America. How he was transformed into the world’s first ever super soldier. How he had given his life in service of his country, but was found alive in the ice nearly seventy years later. How the United States of America had rejoiced that their most priced possession was back.

  
He didn’t like that there sometimes were memories which included Captain America. He didn’t want to remember. It made him feel weak, and he needed to be focused for his mission. The memories gave him headaches and nightmares, which made him grumpy and tired. He couldn’t afford to be tired, but he also couldn’t sleep. The memories were haunting him. Some were from before he was turned into the weapon he was. But some were from his time as the weapon.

  
He didn’t know which were worse. The memories from before gave him a longing and lonely feeling. They showed him that he had once been human and did once have the capacity to have feelings. To be happy and feel secure and safe, even during the depression and when he was always worried about his friend.  
The memories from during his time as the weapon were tinged in red. Whether he was being trained or he was on missions, there was always blood. They made him feel guilty and on edge. He had done so much wrong to the world.

  
He still didn’t remember everything, but he remembered enough. Enough to know that he couldn’t go back to his friend from centuries ago. He couldn’t bring that kind of hurt to him. So he kept running. He ran as far and as fast as he can, always a step ahead. Until he wasn’t.  
Until he came face to face with his childhood friend.

 

 

  
He didn’t know how he got in this position. He couldn’t remember. All he could remember was that he was hiding and then suddenly he was stuck. His arm was stuck and he couldn’t get out. He was so weak. He didn’t know how to take care of himself. After seventy years of getting looked after he couldn’t remember how to do it for himself. He had been fine, up until a few weeks ago. He felt himself getting weaker each day, and he didn’t know what to do about it. He ate, sometimes. He drank water whenever he could. He didn’t sleep very often. He couldn’t, not with the nightmares haunting him.

  
He was beginning to get sloppy. He left trails behind that gave away that he had been there. He left papers behind from his research that gave away where he was going next. He stayed in one place too long. Captain America and Falcon were closing in on him and he knew it. He just couldn’t do anything about it because he was so damned weak.

  
He ran into trouble with the HYDRA facilities more than once. They were almost overpowering him. He was getting weaker and they knew it. They had him cornered more often than not, but he still always got out. Still, word got out within the HYDRA community and they started to follow him. They tried to take him a few times, but he still wasn’t weak enough to let that happen. He could still fight and he could still call upon his training to get him out of dire situations. But it was getting harder.

  
But he couldn’t remember how he had gotten in this situation. He knew that if he wanted to escape imprisonment he had to get out fast. The problem was that his brain wasn’t working fast. Everything was fuzzy and his head was hurting. Like it wanted to explode. It felt a bit like when he was in the chair, and he hated it. It made him angry, but that only made the world around him more fuzzy. It was infuriating.

  
That was also why he had missed the two men stepping into the room he was in. He only noticed them when they started to talk to each other. He couldn’t hear what they were saying, but he knew they were talking about him. He recognized the men as Captain America and the Falcon. He knew they wanted to capture him, but he was so weak in this moment that he couldn’t do anything but whisper ‘help me’ to them. He blacked out after that.

 

 

 

  
He woke up in a room he didn’t know. On a mattress on the ground, a blanket over him. Before the people outside of the room even knew what was happening he had sprung into action and assessed the room. He was standing in a crouched position, like an animal ready to pounce its prey. He was in a locked, reinforced room. In the wall opposite from his mattress, there was a large window. There were six scientists watching him at this moment, which he could see. In every corner of the room was a security camera. He could count 7 security members, but there were probably at least a dozen more in the area surrounding his room; that is, if they were smart. The door was next to the window.  
The scientists were looking at him with mixed looks. Some were looking at him like he was the most fascinating thing they had ever seen, others like he had walked straight from their nightmares. The last group was the sane one. He was a thing from nightmares. That was what he was created for. He was forming an escape plan when a voice came over the speakers in the room.

  
‘Stand down soldier,’ it was a familiar voice. He knew that voice. It was a voice from lifetimes ago. A voice that had triggered something in him months ago. It was the voice of the one mission he had failed to complete. It was the voice of Captain America. It only made him crouch deeper, a low growl escaping from his throat. He only followed orders from a handler, or his own. Definitely not from this man. This strangely familiar man he couldn’t place.  
‘Please Buck,’ came over the speakers. It sounded more broken and sad and hurting than he had ever heard anyone sound, and he had inflicted enough pain and suffering in his existence. But that name. ‘Buck’. It loosened something in his mind, and next he knew he was curled up on the ground, clutching his head in pain. Soaring pains shot through his head, like they wanted to split his head in two.

  
He didn’t know how long it lasted, the pain messing with his head and his internal clock and his internal counting he always did. What he did know, is that now that the pain was gone, memories surfaced. Memories from before. Before he was the Winter Soldier, and before the war. Memories of him with a short man. A short man with a low voice and long fingers which made the prettiest things. Beautiful sketches and art which gave him all sorts of feelings. Almost all of the memories that had come back were with this man. The man they now called Captain America.

  
Captain America, who was looking at him through the glass in the room. His eyes were filled with worry. Why were they filled with worry? What was he worrying about? The Winter Soldier was locked up, so Captain America’s mission was complete, wasn’t it? But why did he look so concerned. Maybe he thought his long lost friend was still in here somewhere. Maybe he thought he could recover the man he once was so close with. The man he had fought a war with. The question was: could he?

  
‘If that Soldier of yours decides to make any trouble, I’m not going to defend you in the press,’ Tony told Steve when Bucky had been locked up in a room designed to contain the Hulk. Tony hadn’t liked the question if Bucky could stay at the tower once Steve and Sam had caught him. He had said yes, but he hadn’t liked it. He had seen the footage of the Winter Soldier in action and, frankly, he was terrified. He would never admit it, but the destruction that the soldier was able to cause, and walk away unscathed, it terrified Tony. The man had almost managed to kill Captain America for gods sake. And then there was the case with how he had killed his parents. Needless to say, the fact that the man was in Tony’s building made him spent even more time in his lab and he slept even less. He was worrying Pepper, he knew it, she had found him in the middle of a panic attack three times in the week that Barnes had been here. He was scaring her and there was nothing he could do to convince her to stop worrying.

  
‘I will personally make sure he doesn’t make any trouble Tony,’ Steve replied. They were standing in front of the glass from Bucky’s room. Bucky was crouched in the corner next to his mattress, from which he hadn’t moved in 5 hours. His hair was hanging in front of his head, but his eyes were always assessing the situation around him. Those dead eyes. They weren’t the eyes of the Bucky he knew. They were the eyes of a killer, of a man stripped from everything. He wanted to just walk into the room and grab Bucky tight, shake him till he remembered the man he was. Until he snapped out of this conditioning HYDRA had forced on him. But he couldn’t do that. Bucky would probably attack him or try to escape. He couldn’t do anything more than stand here and watch. He had tried to talk to Bucky several times, but after the third time Bucky had collapsed and was obviously in pain he couldn’t take it anymore.

  
The worst was that Bucky never made a sound. He didn’t even make a sound when he was obviously in very much pain. He had only made a sound that day he had woken up, and even that had only been a growl that sounded more animalistic than anything he had ever heard. It was tearing Steve apart. This man locked in here wasn’t a man, it was a machine, an animal. Stripped of everything that had made him a man and conditioned to follow orders and nothing more. It made Steve sick to his stomach that HYDRA had done this. HYDRA was supposed to be destroyed. He had given his life to end HYDRA. Yet here he was, seventy years later, with another experiment of the organization. And this time it was his best friend.

  
He didn’t know what to do. He had caught Bucky, but his plan hadn’t gone any further. There were about a dozen scientists who were specialized in all kinds of different fields and were observing Bucky’s behavior. Tony had made sure they were the best there were. But Steve wanted to do something as well. He just didn’t know what he could do.

 

 

 

  
‘Steve, you need to get some sleep,’ Sam said. Steve had been outside the room Bucky was held for over 2 weeks. He had gotten some sleep in that time. Just not much. Some naps in the chairs that were there (Tony had moved some comfortable chairs there once it was clear Steve wasn’t going anywhere). And, if Sam was honest, Steve looked like a ghost. He was white as a sheet, he had black circles under his eyes and he had definitely lost weight. It hurt Sam to look at Steve like this.

  
Sam was prepared for Steve to put up a fight with him about being fine and not needing sleep, so it surprised Sam when Steve just looked at him and nodded. Steve looked so lost and sad in that moment. Sam knew that only time could heal it. When Bucky would be getting better, Steve would as well. Sam just hoped Bucky would hurry the hell up with getting better, because he was losing his friend.

 

 

 

  
‘I notice you haven’t been down to see our little Soldier. Now I wonder why that is,’ Tony said to Natasha a month after Bucky had been captured. He still wasn’t showing any signs of breaking his programming, though his headaches were occurring more often. Tony thought that was a good sign. He hoped that was a good sign. The doctors were split on the opinion whether it was good or bad. Some said it was good, because it meant he was getting his memories back (they thought, nothing was certain) and some thought it was bad because it could be a sign of some significant brain damage. Worse than they had thought at the beginning.

  
Natasha smiled a emotionless smile at Tony. ‘You noticed correctly,’ she said. They were in the common living room, Natasha sitting on a big couch with a book, and Tony standing by the edge of the couch with two whiskeys. He raised an eyebrow which said he wasn’t going to be content with that answer and handed her one of the whiskeys. She took it and took a small sip. It was good whiskey. Old. She put her whiskey on the table and looked at him. He took a seat on the couch.

  
‘Now why is that miss Romanoff. Do you and the soldier share some history you wish to tell?’ Tony asked. Natasha kept her expression neutral. Of course she knew her lack in visiting Barnes was going to get noticed. Everyone had been down there once, except for her. And of course Tony knew that she had history with the soldier. He knew everything If he wanted to know it. She picked her whiskey and downed it. Tony raised an eyebrow. ‘So there’s a story there,’ he said.

  
‘You know there is,’ she told him. She knew she could trust Tony. She knew he wouldn’t blab about it everywhere if she didn’t want him to. And she didn’t think she wanted anyone to know about it. Well, anyone else. She had told Clint, of course, when she knew the soldier was back. She told him everything and vice-versa. Tony just looked at her with a curious look and she decided she wanted to know how much he knew about her history with Barnes. She raised an eyebrow and he got the message.

  
‘When I saw Barnes fight in those videos,’ Tony began, ‘I couldn’t help but think of another assassin I happen to know. I looked up a video of you fighting and put the two next to each other. It just so happens that you use a lot of the same moves. So then I started thinking, and I realized that our little soldier also happens to know Russian. And then I thought, it wouldn’t surprise me if HYDRA had ties with The Red Room, which happens to be where the Black Widow program came from. So I think our little soldier trained you. Am I wrong?’ Tony gave her a look which told her that he knew he was right.

  
She stood up to get another drink, vodka this time. ‘You know you’re right Tony, so why bother asking,’ she told him as she poured herself another drink. She looked at him and he was looking intently at his glass before he downed his drink as well. ‘I also happen to think there is more to the story,’ Tony said to her. ‘Why else would you not go down there. I mean, if he had been just your trainer you would have no problem going down there, I think. So I believe there was more between the two of you.’

  
Natasha walked to the window and crossed her arms. She looked out at the city and heard Tony stand up. She heard him pour himself another drink and then walk over to her. He stood beside her and looked at her with a frown. ‘You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to,’ he said to her. She turned her head to look at him and gave him a small smile. He saw sadness and loss in the smile.

  
‘Yasha and I went on several missions after my training was completed. He was out of cryo for a long time. In the beginning, he was just the soldier. We would finish the mission and he would disappear. But after a while, he started to become more human. He began to show some emotions and we started talking. One night, after we had finished another mission, he came with me to my hotel room and he remembered his name. James, Yasha.

  
A few weeks later, while we were undercover for a mission, he kissed me. We grew closer every day. But then they noticed and they separated us. I never saw him after that, and I was severely punished. I can’t even think about what they have done to him.’ Natasha said. She hadn’t looked at Tony during her story, but she could feel his eyes on her. She heard him down his drink. She looked at him and he was looking at her with sad eyes. He knew she wouldn’t want his pity or sorry, so he offered to grab her another drink. She was grateful for that and she accepted. She felt a little lighter, having another person know the story.


	2. Hope is a terrible thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘Buck.’ Steve said. He had opened the door to the room Bucky was held in, but Bucky didn’t seem to notice. He was sitting on the floor with his legs crossed and his hands in his lap, facing the wall away from Steve. Steve slowly walked into the room and Bucky moved his head to look at Steve over his shoulder. His hair fell in his face so Steve couldn’t see his expression, but his shoulders were slumped. He looked exhausted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this!  
> Any and all mistakes are my own, English isn't my first language
> 
> I would love to hear your feedback!
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own these characters.

After 13 weeks, Bucky was showing signs of getting better. The headaches were becoming less brutal and he took on less aggressive stances. He occasionally took a nap and he ate the food they gave him. He still didn’t talk, but he was taking big steps in the right direction. With the changes in Bucky’s behavior also came changes in Steve’s. He was beginning to take care of himself again. He slept more regularly and he started running again in the mornings. The team began to relax a little again, seeing that their captain was resembling a living person again.   
It was still hard. They didn’t dare to let the soldier out of the room, afraid that he would attack and run, but it was getting better. Tony was itching to work on the soldiers arm and he was pestering Steve about it almost every waking minute. Natasha still hadn’t been down to see him, but she was working up to it, with Clint’s help. Clint didn’t trust the soldier and went down regularly, just to observe his behavior.

 

‘Steve, you wanna come with us tonight?’ Sam asked. Steve had been sulking around his floor in Stark Tower for far too long if you asked the team. They were going out for drinks tonight and wanted Steve to come. They believed it would be good for him. He needed to let go, even if it was only for an evening. They understood that the situation was hard for him, Bucky was his best friend after all, but it had been 15 weeks since the soldier had been brought in and Steve had been sulking for all of them. It was driving the team crazy.

‘Steve it will be good for you, Bucky’s doing better and if anything happens JARVIS will inform you.’ Natasha said when she saw that Steve wasn’t showing any signs of getting up and going with them.   
‘I most certainly will, Captain Rogers.’ JARVIS said in reaction to Natasha. Steve sighed and looked at the team. They were all looking at him with expectant looks on their faces. He knew that he had to get out of the tower. He had been cooped up in here for far too long and he could see the effect it had on the rest of the team. He just wanted to be as close to Bucky as possible. 

‘We’ll go to this bar right around the corner, you will be back here in five minutes if anything happens.’ Sam said. He could see the hesitation in Steve’s eyes. He looked at Natasha and she gave him a worried look. Out of all of them, Natasha was the one who worried the most for their Captain. She didn’t let anyone know of course, but Sam could see it in the way she behaved. He hoped that one day she would trust him enough to confide in him. He wanted to help her, but he knew that she needed to come to him on her own accord.   
Steve sighed and looked at the team. ‘Fine, I’ll come. But no further than five minutes away.’ Steve said. He stood up and grabbed his coat. He only agreed because he knew they would only worry more about him when he declined. He didn’t want them to worry about him. He would be fine, as soon as Bucky was by his side again. 

 

‘Steve I can’t deal with this right now, you get off your ass and dance with me!’ Natasha said to Steve. They were at a club they’d gone to after the bar. It was just a little under five minutes away from the tower, so Steve had no excuse to not go with them. The whole time they had been at the bar Steve had excluded himself from the conversation and Natasha would not let him do that whilst they were at the club. She wanted Steve to live a little, it pained her to see him like this.   
Steve gave her a look that said he wasn’t planning on standing up anytime soon, just to challenge her. Natasha sighed and grabbed Steve’s arm, dragging him to the dancefloor. Steve let himself be dragged away, everyone knew that once Natasha wanted something, she got it, so you either deal with it or let Natasha unleash her wrath on you. Nobody wanted the second.

‘He really will be okay, you know.’ Natasha told Steve once they were on the dance floor. A slow song was playing so Steve had put his arms around Natasha and let her lead them to the tune of the song. Steve bent down to Natasha so she could speak in his ear. Nobody would give them a second look, they resembled a couple on a night out. Steve sighed.   
‘I know Nat, I just can’t believe that he is alive. If we’d just looked for him, all of this wouldn’t have happened. He wouldn’t have had to go through all of that horror.’ Steve answered, speaking in her ear. Natasha pulled back abruptly and slapped him on his arm.  
‘You stop that right now Steven, none of this is your fault. HYDRA would have gotten to him one way or another. Zola experimented for years on different soldiers, and James is the only one that survived that. Do you really think they would have let him go? This is not your fault Steve, there is nothing you could have done.’ Natasha said in a raised voice. Steve could hear her with his enhanced hearing and she knew. He let his head hang. Natasha put her arms around his neck again. She was looking at him with an open expression, something he was still surprised about she let him see. They had really grown close in the past year.   
‘He is here now Steve, that’s all that matters.’ She said in a gentler tone. Steve put his forehead on her shoulder and nodded. It was a good thing she was wearing heels, otherwise he would have never been able to put his head on her shoulder, she was so tiny. Natasha let him have his time. She’s known that he blamed himself for everything that had happened to James, and he needed to hear what she had said to him. He needed to believe that HYDRA would never have stopped to get Bucky in their captivity, but he was still Steve Rogers, and his heart was too big for his own good.   
‘It will be okay again Steve. His memories are returning and he is less volatile each day. He will be alright. You will be alright.’ Natasha said in his ear. He was really lucky to have Natasha. He looked up and gave her a small smile. ‘Thank you.’ He mouthed to her. He really was grateful for Natasha and everything she did for him. 

 

It had been 20 weeks since Bucky had been brought in, and the group was discussing if they could let Bucky out. He wasn’t showing any signs of aggression towards them anymore. He reacted positively to Steve and even had a few conversations with him. Steve had been itching to let Bucky out since the beginning and he was at the point that if the team didn’t let him out soon, he would take matters in his own hands and release Bucky. He was certain that Bucky wouldn’t try to attack or escape. He wanted his best friend back. He had waited long enough.  
‘I say we let him out.’ Natasha said, to everyone’s surprise. She still hadn’t been to see him and only Clint and Tony knew why. She just raised an eyebrow at their surprised expressions. ‘What, didn’t expect that from me? I trust Steve’s judgement. James can stay on Steve’s floor, where he can keep an eye on him. We can program JARVIS with some emergency codes if James tries anything, but I’m sure Tony did that the moment James was brought in. I don’t see why we should keep him in that cell any longer than he has already been in there.’   
‘I agree with Natasha, I vote we let him stay on Steve’s floor.’ Clint said. Steve was twitching in his seat, ready to leap to his feet and run to the room James is held in, ready to let him out the instant the final voting has taken place. The only person who was hesitant about letting Bucky go was Tony, but they all knew why that was. Steve was out of the room the second they had decided to let Bucky go. 

 

‘Buck.’ Steve said. He had opened the door to the room Bucky was held in, but Bucky didn’t seem to notice. He was sitting on the floor with his legs crossed and his hands in his lap, facing the wall away from Steve. Steve slowly walked into the room and Bucky moved his head to look at Steve over his shoulder. His hair fell in his face so Steve couldn’t see his expression, but his shoulders were slumped. He looked exhausted.   
‘Stevie?’ He said. His voice was small, as if he wasn’t sure if Steve was really there. Steve smiled a little. ‘Yeah Buck, it’s me.’ He said. He kept taking small steps towards Bucky. The closer Steve got, the more Bucky seemed to curl in on himself, as if he was afraid Steve would be offended by his presence, or would decide that Bucky didn’t deserve to be there. Steve knelt beside Bucky and gave him a small smile.  
‘You can come with me Buck, get out of this room.’ Steve said. Bucky looked hesitantly at him. Steve was so close now that he could see the dark circles under his eyes, how underfed and scared he looked. Steve felt horrible. His best friend had been locked inside this room, completely wrecked, and Steve hadn’t done a thing about it. He wanted to cry, he felt so bad right now. Bucky looked at him with hopeful eyes. ‘Really?’ He asked. Steve gave him a wobbly smile and nodded. ‘Really.’ He said.

 

 

‘I told you it was a bad idea! You were so eager to believe him, but he is still an assassin!’ Tony shouted. Steve had gone to get Bucky out of his room, but ten minutes later JARVIS had sounded the alarm and locked down the tower. Bucky had knocked Steve down and attempted to flee the tower. The group had run down to the main floor and surrounded Bucky. He looked like a rabid animal, hair a mess and eyes wild. Steve had come up and looked really disappointed at his best friend. He had pleaded with Bucky to please not do this, but Bucky wasn’t in there at that moment. It had been the Winter Soldier standing in the middle. Steve’s shoulders had slumped and he gave a miniscule nod to Natasha. Before the soldier could decipher what Steve had signaled with that nod, Natasha was on his back and a needle filled with sedation designed for Steve and the Hulk was piercing the skin of his neck. Natasha got off his back and the soldier fell to the floor.

That had happened half an hour ago, Bucky was back in his room, which Steve now referred to as ‘the cage’, and the team was in the common room. Tony had been pacing the room for the last half hour and going on and on about how he had told them this was going to happen and they should all listen to him for once. Steve was sitting in the armchair, trying to make himself as small as possible. Natasha was standing by the windows, watching Tony’s every move and looking more and more tense with every word the man spoke. Bruce was sitting on the couch, drinking a cup of tea and really trying to calm down. The whole ordeal with Bucky had riled him up and the other guy had almost shown up. Clint was sitting on the opposite side of the couch, watching Natasha and eating a pop-tart. Sam was still with Bucky. He had made a deal with Steve: Steve would go up to the common room with the rest and talk about what had happened, and Sam would keep an eye on Bucky. Steve had been hesitant, but Natasha had dragged him up with her.   
‘Tony, we know you said it would go wrong, but would you please shut your mouth right now.’ Natasha said before Tony could start again. Everyone turned their attention to Natasha. She was standing by the windows with her arms crossed and her gaze on Tony. Tony opened his mouth to protest but Natasha shot him a look that said she would kill him if one more word got out of his mouth, so he quickly shut his mouth again.

‘He had us fooled Tony, and maybe we wanted him to be better a little too much. We don’t want him in there any more then Steve does. I don’t know about the rest of you, but I hoped that he would hold it together long enough to at least make it to Steve’s floor.’ Bruce said. He looked tired. Natasha walked over to Bruce and put a hand on his shoulder. Bruce looked up and gave her a small smile. Natasha and Bruce had a bond that nobody really understood, but everyone was glad they had each other as friends.   
‘He sure had you fooled, he almost escaped! And what would have happened then? Steve would have gone on a wild goose chase again and probably would have gotten himself killed. We can’t deal with that and you know it, we were eating ourselves up about it last time he disappeared, we can’t handle that again!’ Tony said. He really was worried about it, and the rest of the team knew he was right. They looked at Steve. Steve was trying to make himself even smaller in the armchair and he was looking at his hands in his lap, avoiding eye contact. He felt guilty for putting the team through that.

 

 

It was hours later that Steve finally got to his own floor again. He was exhausted. Tony had continued to pace and rant about what had happened while Natasha had tried to comfort Steve. He was grateful that she tried, but it hadn’t really helped. He knew Tony was right. Bucky was dangerous, even if Steve didn’t want to admit it. He just wanted his best friend back, but he knew it would take more time for someone that even resembled the old Bucky again to resurface. Maybe he never came back, lost forever underneath all the trauma and abuse he had suffered. Steve wouldn’t blame him. 

He walked to his bedroom and let himself fall on his bed. He just wanted to hide under the sheets and not face the world for a while. He kicked of his shoes and shimmied out of his jeans and t-shirt before sliding under the cover. He was done with the world for today, and maybe tomorrow too. He sighed and burrowed deeper into his bed. He was mentally exhausted, he couldn’t even find the energy to go to the gym, even when Clint had suggested a sparring session. He just wanted Bucky to be there with him.   
He had hoped so hard that Bucky had found himself again. Steve was so sure that he had, but apparently the Soldier was stronger than Bucky. His own personality had been pushed down for so long, that he was only a whisper in the shout that was the Winter Soldier. 

 

‘Captain Rogers, Sergeant Barnes has requested I sent you a video recording of himself.’ Steve heard JARVIS say. He sighed and sat up, he was still in bed. He didn’t know how long it had been since he had climbed under the safety his blanket provided. He rubbed his eyes. ‘Okay JARVIS, show me what he recorded.’ Steve said while pulling the blanket around himself and making a little blanket fort.  
The recording started with Bucky sitting on the floor with his legs crossed and his hands in his lap. He was looking down, his hair shielding his face, shoulders slumped. Steve held his breath, waiting for Bucky to start speaking. He didn’t. Not for at least five minutes. He just sat there on the floor, looking like a mess, and Steve couldn’t look away. 

When Bucky started speaking his voice sounded gruff, like he had been crying. Steve knew he hadn’t, even before the was Bucky never cried. Then when the war had started and their friends and neighbors had been sent off to fight at the front, Bucky had kept on smiling, even though everyone knew he was terrified that he would get drafted soon. He never cried when that letter came telling him that he was to pretend his country. Steve could see how much it terrified Bucky. He never was a fighter, he only ever fought if Steve started one with some knuckle head. He never cried the morning he had to go to camp, even though Steve begged him not to go.   
Then when Steve found Bucky strapped to that table in Zola’s lab, tortured and dragged through hell, he only commented on the fact that Steve was taller. He never told Steve what happened, even when Steve kept begging him to tell. He could see it was eating Bucky up. Whatever Zola had done, he had taken a part of his best friend during it. Still, Bucky never cried.

The Bucky on the recording heaved a sigh and put on a fake smile. ‘Hey Stevie.’ He said. Steve felt his eyes water. God he wanted Bucky to just be with him here. He just wanted to hug him and never let go, but he knew he couldn’t do that. He gave a small smile back at Bucky, though he knew that Bucky couldn’t see it.   
‘I’m so sorry for what happened out there Stevie, I don’t know what happened, I think a trigger was set of. I know how much you want me to be the old Bucky, how much you wish that he is still in here somewhere. I did too. But I don’t know if he is still here. I mean you saw what happened in the lobby, I can’t even function normally in a group of people. I’m so fucked up Stevie, you don’t even know. My memories are coming back. I wish they wouldn’t. I don’t know how to deal with them. I don’t want to see what kind of horrors I’ve unleashed into this world. I don’t want to see the faces of the people I’ve killed. It’s just too much Stevie.’


End file.
